ShadowWarrior’s blog

I guess this is where I'm going to be ranting about how I feel. I often times debate with myself over whether or not I should keep a journal. Part of me wants to because I need to let things out, but another part of me wants people to actually read what I write. I know it's not my personality to let my feelings out, but I do wish I could let people know how I feel, especially since I don't really talk to my friends. I know it's my fault. It's hard to keep in touch here at school, but I do miss you guys.

I read what I had posted here before I came down to school and it amuses me. I could basically change the dates on things and nobody would be the wiser. I dated Fish again and got dumped, again. This time it was because she can't handle the stress of being with me along with that of school and things. I'll admit I didn't exactly make it easy for her, but what was I supposed to do? She was spending more time with her friends and WoW than with me. She admitted, though my guess is she didn't mean it, that her priorities are screwed up. Why do I always have to fall for the messed up ones? The problem I'm having is that I know I still love her and if she asked me out again I'd say yes, but I know that's not what I need. I need someone who will be there for me. I'm about ready to cry right now because I'm lonely, but I can't because Aaron is sitting on his bed studying. I want someone I don't have to always be wondering whether they're thinking about me or not. Someone who seems to want to spend time with me instead of just "putting it out there" because that's what she should do.

Am I a horrible person? Am I wrong in expressing how I feel and what I believe I need? Should I just let things that bother me o and forget about them? I need to know that I'm headed in the right direction, that maybe I am  half as good a person as I try to be.

I'm trying to figure out what else I want to say, but I keep coming back to "Is there really someone out there who will make me happy?" and "Will I ever meet them, or will I just screw that up as well?"

With every year that passes I look at myself and wonder if it has been one, or three.
     -Me

I've been thinking way too much tonight. Thinking always gets me in trouble. It's been 16 months and 15 days since I last kissed someone, slightly longer since I was kissed. It's been 8 months,  15 days since I was last held. I feel more alone right now than I have in quite a while. Nobody really seems to care enough to actually listen. When I do talk about it, the only answer I get it "I don't know. It will be difficult with you going off to school." I already know that. That's not why I'm asking. I want you opinion on it. If it was up to me, it'd be a repeat of Fish and my first time going out. We went to go see a movie and she just took my hand and held it for no reason. That made me happy, but that won't happen again. I still love fish, I still wish Lisa were different. I wish someone would show me a sign so I know what to do. I wish people would give me an answer. I wish I could actually make sense out of my thoughts, but all I get is a mess. I wish someone would love me. I wish I could remember what it was like to be kissed. I wish I could express how my music makes me feel. I wish I wasn't ashamed of my feelings. I wish things made sense.

I must admit that my true reason for making this blog was for me to write how I felt about Lisa. Normally i would write about how much I miss her and how great things were, but I have received information about a certain recitation of my letter to said bitch which has changed my mind about what post about her should contain. Because of this information, I will not make an original post, but, instead, copy my recent and final email to her.

Subject: My final time talking you you.

I know as I'm writing this that I shouldn't, but I just have one last thing to say:

Fuck. You.

I look back on when I used to care about you and the only think I can think of is why? Why did I care about you? Why didn't I see how you would treat me? Was I  that desperate that I was willing to ignore all the warning signs that just stared me in the face?

At first I enjoyed spending time with you. Ice skating at rink side, riding bikes, seeing movies. I was glad to get out and spend time with someone. I remember sitting by you at lunch and talking about random stuff with you and your friends.

I remember sitting on the ground at the lake here you used to go as a kid. I remember asking you out and then holding you while you told me how your mom threatened to kill herself because of you. I wanted to make you feel better, but the only way I knew was more than you were willing to do.

I remember going to Chicago and seeing the play. I saw the way you looked at me and the happiness that was in your eyes. Almost sleeping on each other on the train home because we were both tired.

I remember the final time we spent together at Baker's Square. I remember how you cried when I was telling you how I felt like you weren't acting like I was your boyfriend, but only a friend. You weren't faking crying as I walked you to your car and held you for o so brief of a time.

I remember how the day after you dumped me you suddenly cared enough about me to ask that I still sit by you at lunch. I heard the hurt of rejection in your voice, and I foolishly went against my better judgment and sat by you.You still didn't say anything to me.

I told you once that I didn't think you were arrogant, but boy was I wrong. You came into Best Buy once and all you could talk about was how you had been made captain of the winter guard. I was happy for you, but at the same time I couldn't believe how much shit you were talking about Caitlin and Kelly. You can never be second best. Lead in The Nutcracker as a kid, first chair symphonic 1, guard captain. All your life you've had to be the best and consider all those who aren't to be less than human.

I talked to Mr. Stock about you. He agreed with me that, in your mind, you had to be the best. He told me how you were living too fast and would only be happy if you slowed down enough to enjoy things more. He also told me how your brother was the same way and that he thought neither of you would ever slow down.

I know you went out with Mark. I thought Mark was a good guy, but you needed something else. You almost bit my head off when I asked you if you liked Greg. He's like you and always has to be the best. I know you went out with him. I'm not surprised. You have no idea what you want.

But I digress. My actual reason for writing this to you was to say Fuck You. Did I say that already? I did? Well, Fuck You again. Did you want to hurt me when you read my letter to you in front of your Sci-Fi class? Well congratulations, because you succeeded. I take the time to write you about how I feel and you blatantly disregard my trust as a fellow human being let alone anything resembling a friend. I want to take away everything you hold dear, but  there are laws against such actions that hold consequences that are not worth suffering for you in any way.

I hope that, in the future, all your first places and lead places fall apart around you and you find the world around you a cold and unsympathetic. You deserve no less. I know who you truly are under your facade of arrogance and self-importance. I would normally say you are better than that, but I would be wrong. You aren't better than that. Eventually the truth will come out. God watch and laugh at you when it does.

I don't know what to do. Perhaps more than anyone else I know (excluding myself, of course) I can pick out two almost completely opposite sides of your personality. On the one side there is the hippie, slacker, beach-bum Dani, and on the other is the emo, angry, quiet Danielle. So decide which of the two of you is present right now, and read the corresponding paragraph.

Dani:

     I don't know what to think of you. I'm not happy with your apparent fascination of pot. It's not good for you, it's illegal, and it affects who you are. Needless to say, I don't like it or the idea of you using it. I'm also not a fan of the type of guy you seem to find irresistible. I hope it is just one of those phases that girls go through, the "bad boy" phase, but I still don't like it. Don't get me wrong. You're a fun person to be around and a good friend, but I think that, in the long run, if you overtake the other part of you more harm than good will be done.

Danielle:

     I look at you and I see a beautiful person, not just physically, but in the way you act and the way you think. Yes, you tend to be a little quiet, but sometimes you have to listen in order to be heard. I know you're lonely. I hope that you find someone to make you happy and who will be there for you. I hope you find friends that care for you and will go out of their way to thank you for what you do. People want to be needed, and I can assure you that you are.

There is more that I want to tell you, but most of it is not something that is wished to be viewed publicly. I hope you know that I am here for you if you need anything whether or not I go down to U of I. I hope we are able to hang out more before school starts again. Don't be afraid to be yourself, someone that a change of hair color can not change.

    I can remember Junior year when we first actually met. We had been in English together for a while, but hadn't made the connection of John. I remember that it was kinda awkward at first, but eventually we became pretty much inseparable in English, always playing DS or just talking. I remember how John was saying he didn't want to ask you out because you liked Mike. I remember telling him, as always, that he is a dumb ass and should just do it. We know the rest of that story.

    I really don't know what has happened between us lately, and, unfortunately, by lately I mean over the past 6+ months. Pretty much ever since we stopped having English together. You've said that you're glad I plan on going to     U of I for college because you don't want to think of me not being there. You've said you miss talking to me. But the truth is that I haven't been there for most of the past 6 months. I can recall only a handful of times when we have actually talked. I sat at the table with you guys during lunch, but I rarely said anything to anyone and you seemed to just leave me be.

    I'm glad you got into U of I. I'm happy for you and John that you'll be going to the same school and won't have to deal with a long distance relationship. I'm happy that you enjoy work so much, being able to hang with John, Claire, Shaun and Chris drinking coffee and playing games. You seem so care free and happy. You should be. I'm just not sure where I fit into that equation or if I even am supposed to be in it. I can't tell anymore.

I said I was going to write about one of my friends every night. That was two weeks ago. I've been having trouble actually getting myself to actually write something and making it something worth reading and deciding who I should write about. I just finished a list of the people I'm going to write about and deadlines for when each will be done. I figured three days was enough to allow myself to have a day off if things are going badly or just can't think of anything to write. So check back in three(3) days to view the first one and every three days after to view the remainder of posts.

I've decided that, over the next couple of days or weeks or however long it takes, I'm going to post an entry about one of the people I know every night, culminating with me writing about myself. I'm going to try to make it as random as possible about who I choose when so I don't write about some people only because I'm in a particular mood that day. I'll still make a few posts in between about things that I find interesting, but this is going to be my main focus for the foreseeable future.